Humor

WFS Prepares for Doomsday

By Carter Krusz ’20

A new mandate was just sent out by the Association of Secondary Schools that states all private high schools must have a fallout shelter. Over the past week, Woodberry faculty, staff, and students have been hard at work converting the Bomb Shelter Experimental Theater, also known as the black box, back into an actual bomb shelter. The students brought lifetime supplies of Cheerwine, Gusburgers, and Roadkill while the faculty brought whatever they have in the salad bar. Maybe croutons or something, IDK. The dining hall staff rationed 10,000 country fried steaks, each of which has a half-life of 1,889 years. Conflict immediately started over the lack of floor space. While Mr. Hornady sought to find a safe place for the chapel’s organ, Mr. Syndor argued that Coach Gay’s bike gear left no room for his kettlebells. Representatives from each sport at Woodberry met in the private dining room to discuss the issue. All Colin Kovacs ’20 wanted was enough space for some quick wall ball sessions, while Kyle Floyd ‘20 proposed filling half of the space with water for the swim team. The latter had great support from the Dean of Students Office. The delegates agreed to install a mini basketball hoop on the vault door, restrict the golf team to just one club, and provide Wii Fit for Consultation Period Yoga sessions. Unfortunately, the committee couldn’t find a solution for the skeet team. In order to continue classes, the faculty proposed filling every inch of wall space with smart boards and bringing enough paper to post about ten years worth of D Sheets. D-Hall will take place in the control studio close to Mr. Lonergan’s old classroom. The limited space required compromising across the board. The biology department was restricted to one reptile, which had Mr. Mills up in arms, and the string ensemble was limited to first chairs only. There was further controversy when the foreign language department managed to keep their espresso machine despite the faculty-wide ban on K cups and Keurigs. Dr. Hulsey offered supporting words on the shelter, saying he thinks it will bring us closer together as a community.

Categories: Humor