Humor

Turner Times, Vol. 2

By Carter Krusz ’20

Dear Journal,

Although I spent most of the night tossing and turning on my 5.7-inch blue mattress that has already caved in to make me look like a New Boy taco, I sprang out of bed this morning to start my first day of classes at Woodberry Forest. After throwing on my favorite polo shirt and all important name tag, I packed my backpack with every conceivable item: books, binders, hole punch, and my trusty glue stick. Nothing I could have packed would have prepared me for my encounter with the guardians of the dining hall, Mr. Guldin and his guard dog Tucker. As I presented my name tag for verification, they meticulously checked my classroom attire for imperfections. Tucker even sniffed my shoes for what Mr. Guldin called “the out-of-room-room-odor-checkup.” After passing the test I strolled into the servery where I began to prepare the meal which I have eaten 65% of the time, a bowl of Lucky Charms. I carefully scooped the cereal to ensure the maximum amount of marshmallows and proceeded to fill up my bowl with milk directly from the milk dispenser. This was a costly mistake that ended in an angry dining hall staffer asking me, “Can you read the sign?” Jittery from the 20 grams of sugar from my nutritious breakfast, I bounced into my freshman English class. After sitting down and looking at my classmates, I began questioning myself. Was I a late bloomer? What middle school did they go to? Was I going to die at Bengal football practice today? I soon realized this was a senior English class so I politely asked to go to the bathroom and never looked back. 

Categories: Humor