Humor

New Boy Move-In Day Recap

By Carter Krusz ’20 and Luke Stone ’20

The box fan blades slicing through the hot sticky air, the fully loaded G-Wagons barreling up the hill, and the awkward in-room dynamics on Turner, Taylor, and Walker could only mean one thing: move-in day had arrived.

As one family parked in front of Turner, a squadron of five sweating men wearing orange “Woodberry Forest Orientation” shirts approached their car. Working with the efficiency of a Formula One Pit Crew, the Orientation Team emptied out the entire back of the car in fewer than three minutes, throwing the boy’s 400-pound Patagonia Duffel, meticulously organized school supply drawer, lacrosse stick, golf bag, area rug, desk lamp, rolling chair, decorative pillows, North Carolina 2017 NCAA Champions flag, Don’t Tread on Me flag, “Saturdays are for the Boys” flag, lifetime supply of Barbasol and other toiletries, and Bowflex tower into the back of one five by fifteen Kubota trailer.

After another five Orientation Team members unloaded the Kubota, the family made its way to their son John’s room. Arriving thirty minutes into the official move-in period, they assumed they would be the first ones to John’s room. But once they opened the door, they discovered that John’s roommate Thomas had actually arrived at 7:30 that morning, but had decided not to start unpacking until there were a total of eleven people (and the family puppy) in a nine by fourteen room on Taylor. Much to their credit, the boys introduced themselves to each other and attempted to start talking, but could hardly get out a sentence before their mothers asked them, “Hey, (insert name here), where do you want me to put (inconsequential small item)?”

As John made his way to the bathroom, he thought that living on Taylor was a victory. After all, it did have shower curtains. Little did he know that the showerheads blew at fire hydrant levels one hundred percent of the time with only two temperature options: Death Valley and Arctic Blast.

The 3rd Form dorm masters viewed the day as a success.

“Today was a great day,” a faculty member said. “The Orientation Team was super helpful, and the weather wasn’t that bad. Last year we were up in triple digits, but it was a cool 94 with only 72% humidity this Sunday. We really did get lucky.”

Categories: Humor