Humor

Prospect Highlights: Invite Back Weekend 2018

Edward Solms ’18


 

    This past weekend the Woodberry Forest community welcomed around ninety prospects to campus for the, always interesting, Invite Back Weekend. Many prospects, most from further south than Woodberry, spent Friday night on campus. These are their stories:

    Chad “Lax Dawg” Bradson: Spent the majority of the weekend showing students his 8th grade lax highlights. On an eventful trip to the Fir Tree he spilled his birthday cake milkshake all over Cooper Willis. Cooper, rather upset with the milkshake fiasco, took Chad’s lax twig and threw it over the construction wall. Chad then threw a fit that his twig was gone, so Cooper threw him over the wall as well. Chad landed in the trench and got mud all over his sweet vineyard vines salmon vest.

    Neil Zaslavsky: Brought his Alienware gaming computer and spent the entire weekend playing Fortnite with his friends from home. On Monday night, while doing room checks on Taylor, Mrs. Box found Neil still in his host’s closet clutching a squad dub at tilted. Neil was promptly sent home. As he left he stopped by Mr. Warmack’s office to complain about the WI-FI. 

    Chapman McKinzie XXIV: Within five minutes of his stay had absolutely wowed the entire student body with his knowledge of the school. Apparently he descends from a long line of Woodberry Head Cheerleaders and therefore has been granted, by birthright, a role as Head Cheerleader for the Fall of 2021. He obliged everyone in attendance of the student vs faculty basketball game with his own rendition of “Boom Chicka Boom”. One student recalls the encounter as seen from the stands: “He just strutted out there in his frat cruisers and absolutely blew me away with the most crisply executed Boom Chicka Boom I have ever heard. When his voice gets deeper, it’ll be perfect.” We look forward to seeing Chapman on campus next fall.

    Tommy “Maneater” Johns: Spent 95% of the weekend in the Glover Center getting absolutely swole. During the other 5% of the weekend he could either be found long snapping or “straight chillin” in the Fir Tree. One condition that had to be met before gracing us with his presence was the addition of emojis into his name tag. This condition was met partly because Tommy is an athletic god, and partly out of fear of telling Tommy no. He is currently between here and EHS, but the admissions department is confident he will choose Woodberry seeing as he is “cool with the shower situation.” Tommy is 6’1”, 290 lbs, and plays Center. A link to his HUDL can be found in his Instagram bio.

    Dan Smith: Dan….Dan didn’t really talk.


*Disclaimer: This is a satirical article written for the Humor section of The Oracle.  It is fictitious.

Categories: Humor