Humor

Holmes Holds Out on the Baseball Diamond

Gus Dupree ’18


A tense standoff on Woodberry grounds is unfolding as Mr. Holmes has reportedly barricaded himself within the baseball field. Armed with numerous nailed-baseball bats, full catcher gear, and a serrated loop hoe, Mr. Holmes also constructed a massive barb-wire barricade along the diamond, with significant defenses made on Left Field.

woodbery baseball diamond

The Baseball Diamond just days before the standoff

Mr. Holmes has allegedly demanded for all community members to not walk across the baseball diamond, and that his barricading himself within the diamond are a last stand to prevent it from being completely overrun by careless students hoping to make a shortcut to Johnson Stadium or the squash pavilion. When police tried to scale the wall and breach the diamond, they were met with immediate resistance as Mr. Holmes threw baseballs at the incoming officers. Likewise, several automatic pitchers had been set off upon the officers’ entry, shooting baseballs at speeds of over 60mph. Combined with the surprising show of force, the officers were forced to make a hasty retreat.

At press time, Mr. Holmes was briefly seen with a white flag hopping the barricade to deliver home-baked cookies and brownies to the police, before quickly making his way back into his fort, continuing the standoff.

Categories: Humor