Gus Dupree ’18
Speaking from the Ninth circle of Hell, the Devil himself told reporters that he has officially condemned all of Woodberry Forest School to eternal damnation in Hell due to their inability to recite the “Boy’s Prayer” during last Thursday’s assembly. “By failing to remember the sacred prayer, and not even making it halfway through it before awkwardly mumbling, the people of Woodberry Forest School have proven their sins and abandonment of the ways of God.” The Devil remarked that the School was already close to being declared heretical sinners. “Take for instance the sorry excuse for a church that they claim to worship on Mondays-they couldn’t even get the right day of the week! By neglecting the Boy’s Prayer during the essential and holy Thursday meeting, Woodberry had finally struck that final nail in the coffin.”
The Devil told reporters how he was considering just what form of punishment Woodberry should endure. One idea he had was having all of Woodberry endure an eternal “moment of silence” during a Thursday meeting that would last until the end of time. Other ideas included: Every meal having fruit desserts, the Wi-Fi being down forever, and the Woodberry Cup being resurrected, with all of Woodberry being forced to play school-wide capture the flag.
Concluding his announcement, the Devil noted how Woodberry will already be well prepared for eternal suffering in Hell.“ They already engage in Pagan rituals of mass burnings [referring to the bonfire] as well as gluttony [the Fir Tree]. To be honest, I’m looking forward to their arrival and consequent eternal torture! They’ll fit right in!”