Maxwell Barnes ’17
Trevor Barker: A better average Joe’s team
Maxwell Barnes: for people to take the plays seriously
Thomas Bledsoe: a date with the crimson chin
Basil Boyd: Rory McIlroy sweat rag
Wallace Bruner: replicas of buzz and woody that he can blow up in his backyard
Evan Bubniak: a proletariat uprising
Riley Buettner: for every day to be a Wednesday
Brendan Burke: a full ride to Bama
Lee Caffey: his own talk show
DW Cardwell: less trips to madeira
James Carrington: Timberlands/heelys combo
Calder Clay: for everyone to stop calling him “Nathan”
Warner Cohen: more flannel shirts
Elliot Connell: one more year as cheerleader
Jake Cooper: instant cure for mono
Lee Cozart: to be awarded most perfect child in history
D’Angelo Davis: Vegas road trip with the boys
Josh Diaz: respect for the Jets
Dawson Duckworth: A pet dog
Adam Fleck: Cordelia Hogan
Robbie Grass: a hawtdawg
Keen Griffin: Every girl’s snapchat
Scott Gullquist: a semi-formal table
Andrew Haley: Kenan-Lewis internship
Jack Hallow: DNA test with parents
Charles Hargrove: Old Row instagram account manager
Will Harris: Wallace Hornady’s job
Jonathan Hernandez: the ability to find his nose
Cordelia Hogan: her sanity back
Parker Jacobs: running shoes
Terrell Jana: U.S. citizenship
Nathan Janney: A bible
Hayes Jiranek: stilts
Hayes Johnson: Another panthers superbowl
Henry Joyner: *inaudible yelling*
Ryan Kacur: the abomination of Latin
Josh Kearns: A better roommate
Tae Min Kim: Money
Mason King: a bomb shelter in Montana in which to trade stocks
David King: a new Hampden-Sydney sweatshirt
John Kirven: for people to know that he plays football
Connor Koch: Abbie Ryan to adopt him
Alex Krongard: a plane ride back to mother Russia
Will Lenhart: a personal secretary
Derek Lora: to be as far away from Diaz as possible
Sam Lowres: Philip Williams
Ben Lytle: permanent membership within the Clyde Firman crew
Darius MacKay: some maple syrup
Sutton Mahon: puberty
Lamar Mallory: a wooden mallard
Greg Manning: to be a Grateful Dead roadie
James McCoy: For Adam to back off
Richmond McDaniel: for people to stop calling him Griffin
Griffin McDaniel: for people to stop calling him Richmond
Philip McManamy: Knee surgery
Will Medick: For A-dorm to stop being so immature
Jackson Monroe: talon submissions
Charles Moorman: chalk
Brooks Murphy: Sheetz gift cards
Thong Nguyen: his own permanent workstation in the dining hall
Clayton Noyes: tickets to Burning Man
Bebe Olaniyan: lotion
Chris Oldham: to marry Ms. Ryan
Efose Oriaifo: Nobel Peace Prize
KJ Pankratz: neon socks
Max Park: for people to know he’s from New Jersey
Jack Parker: more trips to Madeira
Bennett Parks: For the old Woodberry to come back
Jack Perdue: more camo
Corey Pierson: potted plants
Daniel Porter: a new fedora
Jackson Purrington: permission to live in the glover center
Jack Quinn: for his pickup truck and girlfriend to somehow morph into one
Jack Rixey: to transform into Hugh Heffner
Patrick Scruggs: to make a lay-up
Chas Sigloh: gills
Chapin Silva: to be elected governor of South Carolina
Anthony Sleiman: mafia boss
Will Slicer: Babes
DeTrea Smith: More time with Khalid
Billy Solms: something big to push
Joe Stephenson: Navy
Lindell Stone: NFL
June Pyo Suh: A dictionary
Clay Tydings: David Gussler’s approval
Garrett Venable: a stress ball that he can absolutely destroy
David Vu: screaming lessons
Randolph Walker: a shower
Gresham Walmsley: an endless supply of soccer balls
Michael Warren: a shopping spree on donaldjtrump.com
Wyant Wharton: common sense
James Wilkins: a haircut
George Williams: 3 apple ciders
Thomas Williams: a bugatti
Philip Williams: Sam Lowres
Tilden Winston: a white-collar job, a nice house and 2.5 kids
Tiger Wu: his own art show at the met
Jerry Yan: A Pulitzer Prize
Rocco Zaytoun: to find out that Jay Leno is his long lost father
Categories: Humor