Humor

What is in Santa’s Sack for the Class of 2017?

Maxwell Barnes ’17


Trevor Barker: A better average Joe’s team

Maxwell Barnes: for people to take the plays seriously

Thomas Bledsoe: a date with the crimson chin

Basil Boyd: Rory McIlroy sweat rag

Wallace Bruner: replicas of buzz and woody that he can blow up in his backyard

Evan Bubniak:  a proletariat uprising

Riley Buettner: for every day to be a Wednesday

Brendan Burke: a full ride to Bama

Lee Caffey: his own talk show

DW Cardwell: less trips to madeira

James Carrington: Timberlands/heelys combo

Calder Clay: for everyone to stop calling him “Nathan”

Warner Cohen: more flannel shirts

Elliot Connell: one more year as cheerleader

Jake Cooper: instant cure for mono

Lee Cozart: to be awarded most perfect child in history

D’Angelo Davis: Vegas road trip with the boys

Josh Diaz: respect for the Jets

Dawson Duckworth: A pet dog

Adam Fleck: Cordelia Hogan

Robbie Grass: a hawtdawg

Keen Griffin: Every girl’s snapchat

Scott Gullquist: a semi-formal table

Andrew Haley: Kenan-Lewis internship

Jack Hallow: DNA test with parents

Charles Hargrove: Old Row instagram account manager

Will Harris: Wallace Hornady’s job

Jonathan Hernandez: the ability to find his nose

Cordelia Hogan: her sanity back

Parker Jacobs: running shoes

Terrell Jana: U.S. citizenship

Nathan Janney: A bible

Hayes Jiranek: stilts

Hayes Johnson: Another panthers superbowl

Henry Joyner: *inaudible yelling*

Ryan Kacur: the abomination of Latin

Josh Kearns: A better roommate

Tae Min Kim: Money

Mason King: a bomb shelter in Montana in which to trade stocks

David King: a new Hampden-Sydney sweatshirt

John Kirven: for people to know that he plays football

Connor Koch: Abbie Ryan to adopt him

Alex Krongard: a plane ride back to mother Russia

Will Lenhart: a personal secretary

Derek Lora: to be as far away from Diaz as possible

Sam Lowres: Philip Williams

Ben Lytle: permanent membership within the Clyde Firman crew

Darius MacKay: some maple syrup

Sutton Mahon: puberty

Lamar Mallory: a wooden mallard

Greg Manning: to be a Grateful Dead roadie

James McCoy: For Adam to back off

Richmond McDaniel: for people to stop calling him Griffin

Griffin McDaniel: for people to stop calling him Richmond

Philip McManamy: Knee surgery

Will Medick: For A-dorm to stop being so immature

Jackson Monroe: talon submissions

Charles Moorman: chalk

Brooks Murphy: Sheetz gift cards

Thong Nguyen: his own permanent workstation in the dining hall

Clayton Noyes: tickets to Burning Man

Bebe Olaniyan: lotion

Chris Oldham: to marry Ms. Ryan

Efose Oriaifo: Nobel Peace Prize

KJ Pankratz: neon socks

Max Park: for people to know he’s from New Jersey

Jack Parker: more trips to Madeira

Bennett Parks: For the old Woodberry to come back

Jack Perdue: more camo

Corey Pierson: potted plants

Daniel Porter: a new fedora

Jackson Purrington: permission to live in the glover center

Jack Quinn: for his pickup truck and girlfriend to somehow morph into one

Jack Rixey: to transform into Hugh Heffner

Patrick Scruggs: to make a lay-up

Chas Sigloh: gills

Chapin Silva: to be elected governor of South Carolina

Anthony Sleiman: mafia boss

Will Slicer: Babes

DeTrea Smith: More time with Khalid

Billy Solms: something big to push

Joe Stephenson: Navy

Lindell Stone: NFL

June Pyo Suh: A dictionary

Clay Tydings: David Gussler’s approval

Garrett Venable: a stress ball that he can absolutely destroy

David Vu: screaming lessons

Randolph Walker: a shower

Gresham Walmsley: an endless supply of soccer balls

Michael Warren: a shopping spree on donaldjtrump.com

Wyant Wharton: common sense

James Wilkins: a haircut

George Williams: 3 apple ciders

Thomas Williams: a bugatti

Philip Williams: Sam Lowres

Tilden Winston: a white-collar job, a nice house and 2.5 kids

Tiger Wu: his own art show at the met

Jerry Yan: A Pulitzer Prize

Rocco Zaytoun: to find out that Jay Leno is his long lost father

Categories: Humor