Reprinted from the February 17, 1978 Oracle
Written by John Phelps
Every year about this time an article entitled “Senior Slide” (or some variation thereof) emerges in the pages of The Oracle. This year I have been endowed with the honors of writing the article. It is fitting that I, a senior, should write it. There is one fault in the plan – I have never slid or am I going to slide.
Brace yourself – SENIOR SLIDE IS A MYTH. One out of every thousand seniors has the honor of sliding. That same fool writes an article telling everyone how wonderful sliding is. When I was a lower former, I dreamed of the day when I could slide. I would wake up early in the morning – 10:15 or later – study for my three class: Sculpture, Photography, and Creative Writing – and set off for one of my classes. A new boy would scurry into my room and make up my bed. In class, the teacher would talk about anything but what the course was trying to teach. And he would always let us cut 15 minutes early.
My “Senior Slide” is waking up at six or earlier, studying for my classes; Physics, Calculus, English, French III, and others, and then battling a new boy for a place in the breakfast line. My teacher thinks every other teacher is letting the Seniors slide, so he has quizzes every day and holds us five minutes late.
Now you may be wondering “How can I keep myself from falling into the same Hell hole?: Think no more. I have carefully laid out a plan which you can follow to those glorious days of senior slide.
Step 1. Train a New Boy. If you can’t slide, a well-trained new boy will come in handy anyway. There is a good book in the Library, “The Care of Training of a New Boy” that will help you along your way.
Step 2. Learn to like Study Hall. Seniors never study; thus, they will always be in Study Hall. Learn how to draw on wood or shoot spitballs. Also you can design and build a subsonic paper airplane. Study Hall can be a dream world come true.
Step 3. Learn to talk back to your advisor. This is the most important step. In your Junior year when you are planning your courses with him, be firm. Don’t be tricked by phrases like, “Calculus is fun, you’d really enjoy it” or “Look at all your other courses that you know will be canceled. Courses like Microbiology and Astronomy.”
Step 4. Learn how to program the computer. This school would be dead with its Digital PDP II. Your could program the computer to give you classes that don’t exist. Then you could report your grades every six weeks (Dropping now and then.)
Step 5. Don’t buy any books. If you aren’t going to study, why waste the money?
Step 6. Learn to ignore angry teachers. Teacherys have this thing about senor slide. THey feel they are the lone teacher struggling to cram education down senior’s throats. They tend to blow up if a senior does no work. If they start to scream, jump up and down, and hold their breath, just stare at them and laugh. It’ll kill them.
These are a few steps to senior sliding. I’ve left out a few like “Sleeping with eyes open in class”; or “Senior Projects”. But I feel you should experiment on your own. By all means don’t do what I did. Too much education is a bore.